Daddio

I recently read a newspaper column by family psychologist John Rosemond.  In it, he advocates that men work hard to provide for their families (can’t argue with that) and to devote their attention to their wives while leaving the kids to do their own thing.  An old-fashioned father is described as remote and distant; qualities which Rosemond thinks should be emulated!

How could I have gotten fatherhood so wrong?

I loved coming home from work and playing with my children.  My playtime meant more than just gratification for me.  I was providing a respite for my wife - a break for a woman who spent countless hours changing diapers, cleaning up, and reading mind-numbingly repetitive Richard Scarry books.  To me, my actions expressed love for my wife, as well as for my children.

I don’t think men from the Greatest Generation came home, swept their wives in their arms, listened to them attentively for an hour before retiring to the bedroom, while dinner simmered on the stove.  I contend that a remote and distant father acts the same as a husband.  He comes home, pecks his wife on the cheek and collapses in front of the TV with his face hidden behind the daily newspaper.

It is true, as Rosemond says, that kids want their parents to have a good relationship. However, you are more than a couple.  You are a family.  Kids’ first social interaction and moral codes come from dad and mom’s instruction and example.  How does that fully happen if dad only has eyes for mom?  A child, during its development, goes through a lengthy bonding period with the male parent, favoring daddy over mom. (Mom gets equal or greater bonding time during development, don’t worry.)  The child grows up missing an important developmental component if Dad distances himself.

What Rosemond doesn’t say, but I certainly hope he means, is that the parents should not focus on the children to the exclusion of their marital relationship.  You need not feel guilty telling your kids “NO” when you need together time alone.  Couples need to balance time alone along with their parental roles.  Children also benefit by a balance between playing alone, with daddy, and with other kids. I’m no psychologist, but I think dad needs to be a very active presence in the healthy development of a child.

If there is a woman out there who thinks a man loves her more by ignoring the children, then I can hook you up with a family psychologist I know.

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